NOT GONNA HAPPEN THIS TIME...

The final result is we had a chemical pregnancy.  Friday's blood test results were 5.5.

You try not to be hopeful but you can't help it.  And then the results are what you knew them to be all along.  Certainly, disappointing.  I don't know how I really feel.  I know that at times I am sad but most of the time I am resigned to "it is what it is".

The nurse told me to stop all medications and by Saturday, my period was creeping out.  I started cramping but not too bad, just uncomfortable.  Then Sunday morning, at around 3am, I started to get really bad cramps.  It became apparent that I no longer had an embryo in me.

Today, I went in for another blood test to make sure that my levels are at zero.  Once, we confirm the levels are at zero we start our fourth try with the two frozen embryos.  I am not sure of the protocol but I do know that there are less injections and less ultrasounds.  Yippee!!

Let's see how it will go.

I AM A LITTLE BIT PREGNANT...YES, I JUST FOUND OUT SOMEONE CAN BE A LITTLE BIT PREGNANT!!!

First, let me give you a brief update.  My egg retrieval went great! (Side note:  My husband tells me that while waking up from the anesthesia, keep in mind that I have to recollection of this, I was mumbling.  He got really close to me and apparently I said, "Favre, Favre, I didn't put him the my line up".  If you know about fantasy football you will get it.  BTW, Favre has not played in a few years!)  The doctor was able to retrieve 11 eggs from by very full ovaries.  Seriously folks, I looked like I was 5 months pregnant!  It was horrible!!!  Now, I know that I will look like that at 5 months of pregnancy but to look like that and not have a baby inside of me, it's pure hell.  Out of the 11 eggs, 10 were fully mature.  Out of the 10 eggs, 7 were fertilized!. At this point, we had 7 children, embryos really.   5 of the 7 embryos made it to the blastocyst stage.  Basically, this means that 5 embryos had two cell components and the likelihood of the embryos being chromosomally normal were high.

The embryo transfer was on Thanksgiving Day!  We were scheduled at 12:45pm.  At the clinic, we were told that we still had 5 embryos.  After a long discussion we decided to only transfer one embryo.  We have been through so much that we did not want to push our luck if we transferred two embryos.  Out of the 5 embryos, 2 made it to the freezing stage.  So, technically, we have two children in a freezer somewhere.

Then, the dreaded two week wait began...

My new hell is the BETA TESTING!!!  I did not think this experience could get any worse!  On Wednesday, December 7, I went in for my blood test to measure my HCG Hormone, also known as the Beta test.  I did not want them to call me so I gave them my husband's phone number.  My husband called be a little bit after 4 pm to tell me that the results came back POSITIVE!  For some reason, I was not excited in the least.  I then asked him for the beta numbers and he said "28".  This is a low beta number as they preferred to see beta numbers at around 100 at this stage.  FUCK!  Here we go again!  Now, I am just pissed off and all I can think about is starting the process all over again.

Basically, the nurse told my husband that the scenarios are:

• The embryo took longer to attach so that is why the numbers are low.  And the embryo could have been placed in a location which took longer to find the wall.

• Really?  Are you serious?  The embryo was already 5 days old and ready to attach to the uterine wall!  What the fuck?  Maybe they should have implanted a 3 month old baby!  And really?, it got lost in my uterus and could find it's way to the damn wall?  I didn't realize my uterus was as big as the Grand Canyon! Oh yeah! I guess it must be a boy since it can't follow or ask for fucking directions!

• The numbers can be low because I had a chemical pregnancy.  Basically, an early miscarriage.
• I get it.  It could be chromosomal problems.  This one is easier to accept since there is nothing anyone can do about this.  This could be caused by low hormone levels or thin uterine lining.  Well, I disagree with the hormone level reasoning.  You can ask my husband.  The other day I was crying because I told my husband and I loved him or when I cried because I know what cabinet to put the baby bottles in.  Not to mention all the oral hormones I take.  The thin uterine lining? I am calling bullshit on this one.  I take three vaginal progesterone suppositories per day!  If you really want to know all about it, email me!  It is an amazing experience.  And by amazing, I mean it sucks ass!

• Or the embryo has fetal chromosomal abnormalities which will cause a miscarriage.
• Again, I get this one.  But the operative words here are "will cause" a miscarriage.  Basically, I have to let the pregnancy progress until I start bleeding and cramping or a D&C.  The D&C is a medical procedure to remove the contents of the uterus (embryo).  This one is a 50/50 chance.

Now, I get to go to do another blood test tomorrow to see if the beta numbers doubled or increased.  Then, I wait.  If a huge increase happens, then good.  More blood tests to follow to ensure if continues to increase.  If not, I continue to do blood tests until it is determine that the pregnancy is not viable.  At that point we wait to see if the miscarriage will happen naturally or if a procedure is necessary.

The silver lining, I have the capacity to get pregnant.  Somehow, this does not make it any better...

Follicles and Estrogen UPDATE!!!!

Saturday, November 12th, 2011

• So, I go to the appointment for blood work and ultrasound.  During the ultrasound, I immediately see some follicles on the right ovary.  I was so excited as I have never seen so many of them.  I had 8 follicles in the right ovary.  Then to the left side, I only had 2 follicles!  My estrogen level was 542.  My uterine lining is at 7mm.  The tech said everything looked good.  So I go home and start "googling" follicle results.  Then it dawns on me that I only have 10 eggs and there is a possibility that they might not be good eggs.  My dear husband comes home and I tell him I am disappointed at the results.  Then I start crying.  He just stares at me with this look... I continue to cry and then ask him "why are you looking at me that way?", "you think I am crazy don't you?".  He just stares and says, "I have never seen you this way before".  His face was full of shock, confusion...  So then, I just started laughing.  Ladies and Gentlemen... welcome to the world of crazy hormones.

Monday, November 14th, 2011

• Another appointment for blood work and ultrasound.  I still had 10 follicles.  All between 15mm and 11mm.  However, my estrogen level went up to 1,543!  (The nurse mentions that I should feel a little uncomfortable due to the estrogen.  Really?  I didn't notice the huge belly on me.)  Apparently, this is higher than what the doctor wants so I am now able to eliminate one shot from the repertoire of shots.  Only 225 of Menopur in the evening.  This bitch, I mean shot, hurts like a mother f@#$%^&!  The following morning I was instructed to take Ganirelix and still 150 of Gonal-F.  

Tuesday, November 15th, 2011

• I feel like a cow!  The size of my belly is now the size of what I  think I would look like three months pregnant!  I feel like I drank tons of water and now it is swooshing around in my stomach.  You know that feeling?  It is not pleasant.  I could not sleep on my stomach or my side.  My lower back hurts and the cramps started again.  I took a shot of Gonal F and another shot of Ganirelix.

• Yet, another appointment for blood work and ultrasound.  My follicles are growing and getting plumper.  I have 5 on my right ovary; 16.7mm, 16.3mm, 16.0mm,15.9mm, and 14.6mm.  My left side is lazy;  I have a 17.2mm, 14.5mm, 14.2mm and a 13.1mm.  My estrogen level is at 1,862.  Much better.  My uterine lining is 11.57mm.  This is really good.  During the last two failed attempts at IUI, my lining was at around 7.5mm.  I am still convinced that the lining was too thin to sustain pregnancy so the little guys did not stick.  I am progressing a little bit quicker than anticipated.  Tonight, I just take 225 of Menopur.

Wednesday, November 16th, 2011

• Still feel like a cow.  My belly hurts when I move and it's become uncomfortable to walk. My boobs hurt.  This morning I took a shot of 150 Gonal F and Ganirelix.  

• After another fun filled morning of blood work and ultrasound, my ovaries are kicking major arse!  Right ovary: 21.5mm, 19.0mm, 17.6mm, 17.4mm, 16.4mm.  Left ovary:  18.4mm, 14.4mm, 13.2mm, 12.8mm, and 12.5mm.  My estrogen level was 2,987.  Which I understand is good, or at least that is what the nurse told me.   The uterine lining is at an amazing 13.4mm.  The nurse thinks I might trigger tonight.   Trigger basically means that the medication will help me release the egg from the ovaries so it is easier during the surgery for the egg retrieval and the risk of Ovarian Hyper-stimulation is minimized.

• I got the call that I will not trigger tonight.  Tonight, I take 75 of Gonal F and 225 of Menopur.  The Gonal F is to help the lazy side.

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

• Holy Big Belly!!!!  If I hold the bottom of my belly, it feels better when I walk.  But really, who wants to see that???  My boobs are sore.  I feel like crap, if I bend down something tugs and pulls in my ovaries.  Not fun at all...

• Once again, blood work and ultrasound.  This sucks!  Nevertheless, my super ovaries are not letting me down.  Finally, something is working!  Right ovary:  22.1mm, 21.0mm, 20.9mm, 20.4mm, 18.7mm and 16.9mm.  (I think some might be hiding).  Left ovary:  20.0mm, 18.0mm, 17.7mm, 17.5mm.  Estrogen level is 3,547 and my uterine lining is at 12.23mm.  Tonight, I don't do any shots except the Lupron Trigger.  

• Then tomorrow, I go in for more blood work and ultrasound.  Just to make sure I did not ovulate and my levels are still acceptable.  SATURDAY, is one of the big days.  I will go in for the egg retrieval on Saturday.

I guess I'll blog about the outcome.  Please, keep your fingers crossed.

Blah, Blah, Blah...

Today I feel odd.  <insert joke>

My stomach feels like it's burning and it's sore.  Once in a while I get stabbing cramps and I am bloated to no end.  I feel like I am coming down with a cold but it comes and goes.  You know, the stuffy nose, sneezing, dull headache...  I feel soooooo tired and it takes a lot out of me to go to dinner, meet people, etc.  I just want to be in my PJs and in bed.  I am just plain exhausted!

Emotionally, it's difficult to explain.  I feel like just letting go and what ever happens happens.  But not in a good way.  Not in a, "I am letting go of control kind of way", it's more of an I just don't give a shit.  I consider myself and strong person and I am not a wimp.  With hard work and determination, I achieve what I set out to do.  But this is really testing me.  Can I do this?  I am worried about the process of getting pregnant.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment to check the progress of the follicles and check my estrogen levels.  I am concerned about having cysts, my ovaries being over-suppressed and then canceling the cycle.  Then I am worried that I will get Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).  Basically, it means that if the drugs stimulate the ovaries a little too much, it can cause the ovaries to become very swollen and the fluid can leak into the belly and chest area.  Again, I am scared of cancelling the cycle; not to mention that this could be very dangerous.  And last, but not least, I am terrified of actually getting a positive pregnancy test and then loosing the pregnancy.  After all the shots (at least 32 shots within 2 weeks), all the vaginal ultrasounds (about 8 within 2 weeks), all the blood work (about 10 times within 2 weeks), one surgery and then hopefully the embryo transfer; if it does not stick I will be crushed.  To those who say "DON'T THINK ABOUT IT" and "RELAX", can you now get a clue of why it might be difficult to follow that advice?

To be honest, I don't know if I have the balls, I mean ovaries, to do it again. (I couldn't help myself.)

Oh yeah!  Let's not forget about the crying today.  I have cried about 3 times today for no apparent reason.  These hormones are driving me nutty...

And we are off...

I am finally off birth control!  The great thing about being on birth control was that my period was very short and I did not have any cramps.  The bad thing about it was that I had heartburn for a couple of weeks.

Today was my first shot of Gonal-F (150iu) and it hurt like hell!  About 20 minutes later, I started to cramp and now I feel a whole lot of tugging and pulling on the right side of my pelvis.  Now I have this dull headache that will not go away. Oh, the fun that awaits me!  Tonight, I get to do it again, TWICE.  I will get another shot of Gonal-F (75iu) and Menopur (150iu).  I know Derek loves it. This will go on for three days and then I go in for another ultrasound and blood-work. 

When Derek was injecting me, all I could think about was that I have to do this 31 more times in the next 10 days.  (Or more, if the follicles are not growing at an acceptable rate.) For a moment ,I thought that I could not possibly go through with this.  Why would anyone want to go through this?  Unless you have been through it, there is no possible way you can ever understand.

I know that at the end what we want is a healthy baby.  But are you kidding me with all the shit I have to go through?!  I am a bit angry today.  Actually, I am pissed! I feel that I did everything I was supposed to do to be prepared to have children.  I am healthy (OK, except the working out part), in a loving relationship, great family and friends, financially responsible, have a career, own our own home, I don't do drugs (never have) and I didn't drink often (although, I do miss drinking!) so yes, I am feeling sorry for myself.  So what?

I am terrified that it will not work and we will have to do it all over again.  I don't think I can do it all over again...

It will happen for us, it will happen for us, it will happen for us...

IVF Treatment... "Oy Vey"

Here is the skinny...

I am currently on Birth Control, I know a little bit odd but apparently it  "suppresses follicle-stimulating hormone release by the pituitary gland, blocks ovulation and thus prevents formation of the corpus luteum...".  In other words, it is supposed to better plan the cycle - I think.  I will take the birth control for 19 days and so far, not so good. These pills give me heartburn!  I have felt awful since I started taking the pills but it's fine, I only have 15 more days to go. During the birth control period I will go in for a "mock transfer".

What is a "mock transfer", you ask?  Well, prior to Dr. O doing the actual embryo transfer, he wants to measure the depth of my uterus and determine the best way to insert the catheter during the real embryo transfer.  I never thought anyone needed to know the depth of my uterus or clean my cervix,etc... Anyways, once that is done and I get the "OK" that my uterus is beautiful we move on to the next step.  More blood work and more vaginal ultrasounds.  Once that is done, on or about November 9th, I will start the injections.

In the morning, I will get a shot, by my lovely-handsome husband (please be gentle), of Gonal-F (150 IU) ($744 for about three shots) and in the evening I will get another shot of Gonal-F (75 IU) and  Menopur (150 IU) ($150 per shot).  These two drugs will hopefully help me develop a lot of eggs.  This will go on for 3 full days and on the 4th day I will get Gonal-F (150 IU) in the morning. That same day I will go in for blood work and another vaginal ultrasound.  After I get the results that afternoon they will let me know the dose of medication that I will inject and I will continue to take three shots per day.   I then go in for blood work and more exciting vaginal ultrasounds every other day until my follicles measure 14mm or larger.  Once they are the appropriate size I will add Ganirelix injections (to delay ovulation) to the Gonal-F and Menopur.  Now I get to go in for blood work and vaginal ultrasounds every day!  How exciting!!! <insert sarcasm> At this point my lovely husband doesn't need to do anything but prick me with a needle 4 times a day!  Around the 18th of November we do one last shot, the trigger shot - Lupron, and the following day I go in for more blood work and a vaginal ultrasound.  If that goes well, a day after we do the egg retrieval.

I am quite nervous about the egg retrieval.  I will be under anesthesia and Dr. O will take out as many eggs as possible.  Oh! I forgot, while this is going on my lovely-handsome husband is in a special room doing you know what...  After the egg retrieval the eggs will be mixed with my husband's sperm and the rest is up to the little cells.  The eggs will be in the dish for 2 to 4 days.  Depending on how many cells have developed we will have the embryo transfer 3 to 5 days after the egg retrieval.

By the way, if it doesn't work the first time, I get to do it all over again!

THE IVF JOURNEY BEGINS...

It's been almost a month since my last post and a few things have happened since then.

We went for our second IUI and were not successful!  We were so disappointed because the protocol yielded 3 follicles (where the eggs hang out), the uterine lining was 8.24 and the boys (12 million of them-post wash) were great! I mean how hard is it?  I have the eggs, boys are good and plenty, uterine lining on the thin side but working, and they put the sperm at the opening of the Fallopian tubes...  Apparently, the eggs are not sticking.

Dr. O recommended that we do a third IUI,  but this time use only injectables so the lining would not be affected by the Clomid.  We were ready to go but I just didn't feel it was worth it.  Again, I thought that I was responding fairly well to the protocol and still didn't get pregnant.  Our odds of getting pregnant are still in the low teens (12%) with IUI so we have decided to embark on the exciting In-Vitro-Fertilization (IVF)Journey.

Let's talk about the financial impact on our family first.  Holy shit!!!  Our procedure (up to six tries) will cost us $20K!  No, it is not a typo, IT IS $20K not including the medication.  However, if we don't get pregnant in 6 tries we get the money back! The medication will be $5,666.90!  Keep in mind that our two previous IUI, some testing, and medication was all out of pocket. Now our "rainy day fund" is more like a "very light drizzle".

You know, a friend put it best when I told her the cost.  She said, well you would pay $20K for a car why would you not do that for a baby?  She is correct.  Derek and I want to grow our family and this is what we need to do.  I am quite scared what lies ahead and the toll that it might take on my body and mind...


  

To Tell or Not to Tell???

To tell or not to tell?  As a rule of thumb, or so I've heard, women wait 8 to 12 weeks to tell others that they are pregnant.  From what I understand it is out of concern for the viability of the pregnancy. That got me thinking, what would we do?

First of all, I cannot keep a secret so it would be very difficult not to tell others if we are pregnant. (S.F., that was a fluke)  Secondly, should something happen (we pray, put out positive vibes that it does not) we want our family and friends to support us during the difficult time. But most  importantly,  we want to share with our family, friends, gas station attendant, grocery store cashier (you get the idea) that after 13 months of trying to get pregnant we made it.  Unfortunately, the latter is not our case... this month.

After all the doctor's appointments, hormones, probing, shots, blood work, waiting, anxiety, not drinking and the great outcome of all the testing, I went in for what is called the Beta blood test to determine if we were pregnant.  My appointment was at 8:45am and the nurse told me that they would call me between 3:00pm and 5:00pm.  Derek and I planned to be together for the call at 3:00pm.  My cell phone rang at 1:25pm and I recognized the number immediately.  My plan was to tell the nurse to call me back when we were both together.  But as soon as I answered the phone I could tell from her tone of voice as she said, "Hi, this is Kim", that is was not good news.  I froze and she said the test was negative.  I responded with an "oh, o.k." and then said, "really, nothing?"and she I said "no, I am sorry". She mentioned that I responded well to the protocol (apparently not that well since I am not pregnant, but I don't want to be the Mistress of the Obvious) and that we should get started on the second round once I get my period.

I immediately called Derek and told him.  He did not believe me at first.  Seriously, I am a joker but this is not something I would joke about.  Derek was so disappointed and sad, it broke my heart.  I hate to see him hurt or sad, and of course there is a certain amount of guilt that I have.

As for me, I really thought I would be devastated.  I was sad but not shocked. I just did not feel that it would work.  I stayed at work, which was great!  I got home hugged my husband and told him I was so sorry.  Derek was so certain that it would work.  I have not cried (no surprise there) but I do feel angry that everything was on track and it did not work.  The medication's side effects are horrible. Just the though of going through it again is discouraging.  The physical is bad but the way I emotionally react is worse.  I just have no patience and any little thing sets me off.  One thing I can count on is that nothing gets to me (except slow drivers on the left lane, seriously what is up with that?) but lately this is not the case.  I can't concentrate at work and make silly mistakes.  My boss has noticed, he has been supportive, but it is still embarrassing.  So do I want to go through it again?

Part of me wants to say we tried it, it didn't work, let's move on with our lives.  Part of me wants to cry and say "why me?, am I such a horrible person?".  Part of me says , "shit we have to pay again" (it is not cheap) But I am not a quitter!  I really can't give into the "poor me attitude" or negative thoughts or sadness.  I do recognize that I am sad but I can't let that take over me.

So we are getting back on the proverbial horse!  

I am a lucky girl!

During this two-week wait, I have done a lot of thinking, what else do I have to do?!  I am so thankful to my family, friends and my new "September IUI Cycle Group" for being super supportive during this time. 

I am also the luckiest girl in the world to have my Dear Husband, Derek, right by my side.  Yes, he might forget what I told him 5 minutes ago about some plans   (he will remember how many yards Dan Marino threw for, in 1988, in the month of November! Go figure...) but if you need a person in your corner, he is the MAN!  He has been such a great active partner in this.  Go ahead, ask him any questions about ovaries, follicles, uterine lining, progesterone suppositories, etc. and he will know the answer! :)

Let's face it; I have not been the easiest person to live with these last two weeks.  With all the hormones running through my body at times I might have acted a bit crazed, ALLEGEDLY.  My dear Derek just takes it in stride and when I go a little over the edge, ALLEGEDLY, he just looks at me and says something along the lines of "seriously?"  This instantly makes me realize that I am "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" and I change my tune.  (Most of the time)

The best thing about him is his attitude of, no let me correct that, his true belief that everything will be fine and we will be successful.  When I doubt what we are doing or feel like the insemination is not going to "take" he just looks into my eyes and says "I know you will be pregnant", it will work.  I feel a calmness come over me (Daniel-san... You know, wax off/wax on...I couldn't help myself.) that makes me feel super confident and secure.  I know I can always trust him and that he will always take care of me.  His sense of humor has been so amazing.  I mean really, what husband you know takes a "thumps up" picture right after the insemination procedure while waiting for "his boys" to do their job.  (See the Profile Picture!) 

Derek, I love you and I am so lucky to have you in my life!  

I AM A LUCKY GIRL! 

NOW THE TWO WEEK WAIT!

After all the probing, testing, ultrasounds, pills, hormones, shots, we finally were able to take the biggest step... The insemination! Monday morning my dear husband did his thing ;)and we dropped off his super sperm to be washed. About two hours later we went back and got the go-ahead for the insemination. My over achieving husband, (he was so proud!) had 22 million little sperm with 90% motility. I was so terrified that the doctor would cancel the cycle if we had a low count and low motility but it was still on. I have to say, everyone at the clinic was so happy for us, tons of smiles and tons of good lucks. It felt so good.

The nurse takes us to the room and tells me to get undressed from the waist down. I am so used to this that I just comply. As I am laying down, my husband and I notice the picture on the wall. It is a picture of a canal in Venice, our first stop on our honeymoon. We see it has a sign. (These days, everything is a sign!) The doctor comes in and tells us that the sperms results are really good. My dear husband then asks the doctor "how do you count millions of sperm (the pre-wash count was 180 million)in a couple of hours? It was so funny. Anyway, the speculum goes in (so comfortable), he then inserts the catheter and the "boys". It was so fast I didn't notice he was done. I stayed on the exam table for 5 minutes and we left.

As I get in the car, my husband had a gift waiting for me in the passenger side. I kiss him, tell him I love him and open the gift. I was expecting a picture (based on the size of the box)but it was the iPad! By the way, he wrapped the iPad in baby gift wrapping paper. He is so cute!!!

I felt fine but still decided to stay in bed with a pillow under my hips. (I know, old wife's tale but I'm trying anything.). Then the cramps started and they were not fun. The next day I started the progesterone vaginal suppositories (these are so much fun and make me feel so "fresh" all day long -insert sarcasm) twice a day, and have continued to "take" them until September 12th. I will get a blood test on the 12th to determine if the hCG hormone is high enough to reflect pregnancy. So as all the ladies going through this say, " now the two week wait"!

The Shot Heard Around "The Burnei"

Last night, my husband shot me!  At around 8:00pm, he calls me and tells me he is ready to give me the Bravelle shot.  I run upstairs and see that he is playing the instructional video on how to inject me.  I get a bit nervous but I say to myself "I have to do this."  He is sitting in a chair, I am standing in front of him and he wipes an area on my stomach with an alcohol wipe.  I saw my lovely husband holding the needle like a "dart" and I totally FREAKED OUT!  I told him I could not go through with it.  The thought of him giving me a shot was too overwhelming.  I kept slapping his hand away, backing up, making excuses and after about 10 minutes of him trying to convince me, he said the magic words; "Cowboy Up".  So I stood with my back to the door (so I could not back-up) and let him do it.  I let out a loud, long scream and then the medicine started burning and I continued to scream.

Let's be clear, I have had tons of injections but the thought of my husband doing this was unimaginable!  I asked my sister and best friend if they would let their husband's give them an injection and they both said NO. In fact, my best friend said that even if her husband were a doctor she would not let him give her an injection.  This was too traumatic for me and now I get the pleasure of doing it again!

Today, we went to see the progress of my follicles and estrogen level.  While waiting for the technician to do the transvaginal ultrasound, my husband pointed at the "wand" and the cover over it, which looks like a condom.  So he said, it's not a condom to which I replied "yes it is".  He is looking at it and remarks that it does not have a tip, and I say that not all of the have tips.  He goes on to explain why condoms have tips and I say that some people don't need the tip since they use condoms for fun. He looked dumbfounded at my answer and said "why would anyone use condoms for fun?!"  The tone of his voice and the look on his face was so funny!  It was like how could I think that men have fun wearing condoms.  We started laughing so hard that we had tears and my belly hurt so bad from laughing.  Anyways, on to the results...

We got great news!  I have two follicles, one is 17mm and the other is 24mm.  From what I understand the desired size is between 18 to 25. (they will grow 1 to 2 mm per day)  Also, my estrogen level is 867 which the nurse said was good.  So with the results, we are cleared to do the intrauterine insemination on MONDAY!  My husband just gave me my "trigger" shot (Ovidrel) so the egg releases from the follicle and by Monday the egg and sperm can meet in the fallopian tube.  By the way, I only hesitated a few times before the shot.  My husband did so amazing!

We will continue to wait... 

Cramps, Nightmares, Anxiety and Other Random Thoughts...

• I am done taking Clomid and now I am feeling the side effects.  The cramps are pretty bad, they are constant and once in a while I get a cramp that takes my breath away, and not in a good way!

• I did not know it was possible to have a headache for one week.  It's a dull, constant headache and I have not taken one single aspirin or ibuprofen.  See, I keep reading all these fertility blogs and the all have some kind of warning that say don't take aspirin/ibuprofen or it thins your cervical mucus, makes you bleed, thins the lining of the uterus, makes earthquakes/hurricane happen (not really, but you get my drift), etc... I am just afraid to put something in my body that may not react well with all the hormones in my body.  I hate GOOGLE (not really)!

• My lower back is on fire!  It is so sore and I don't want to put any heat on it because of all the blogs that say don't take hot baths, put a heating pad on your tummy, etc.

• Part of me is relieved that I have these side effects because in a "sick" way, it makes me believe the medication is working.  The other part of me wishes I was one of those women who didn't get any side effects. Just saying...

• My husband told me this morning that I was talking in my sleep, not unusual, and that I said "It didn't stick".  He asked me (while I was still asleep and have no recollection of the conversation) "What didn't stick" and I responded something along the lines of the baby. I had all these dreams last night and the theme was I was not pregnant.  I can't even relax in my dreams!!!!

• I am terrified about my shot tonight.  My husband took the "on-line injection training" and "feels comfortable".  Me? Not so much... I refuse to watch the video because I know that I will keep correcting him while he is giving me the shot.  He did say that he wants to play the video while he is giving me the shot, "to make sure he is following all the steps".  Seriously?

• I want to drink some delicious, red wine but I am being abundantly cautious, so I will not.

• Can I tell my husband not to drink until next week? I read that alcohol lowers your sperm count.  For the record, his sperm count is above average. (He still has the voice mail with the results of his semen analysis. So proud!)

• I have so much anxiety about tomorrow morning, Saturday.  They will let us know how many follicles, their size and then determine if we continue with the protocol.  

• I cried over Bruno Marz' song "Just the Way You Are". Whenever I think of that song, it reminds me of the way, my husband makes me feel.  When I say I cried, I really meant to say I sobbed. 

• I am happy my husband returned that horrible black shirt and tie that he planned to wear with his light tan suit.  I reminded me of what a Soprano's cast member would wear. 

• It will happen for us!

Here we go!

My much-detested period arrived just one day late so we are not pregnant. I guess I don't get an iPAD! (Tears are streaming down my face. Not really, but I really wanted that damn iPAD)

Last Friday, we started the treatment for Intrauterine Insemination. We got to the doctor's office, they took my blood, and then a fun filled trans-vaginal ultrasound (Can you sense the sarcasm? Just checking). The ultrasound technician counted 12 antral follicles! The last ultrasound showed 8 follicles on day three of my period so my egg reserve is a little bit better. My husband was in the room with me during the ultrasound and it was so funny because he (nor I) could see what the technician was counting!

I started Clomid (100mg) on Saturday at 8:00pm. I will be on this drug for 5 days. After the first two doses, the side effects have been mild to none existent. I have had a headache since Saturday and I feel tired. However, I understand that some of the side effects may include hot flashes, blurred vision, nausea, bloating, headaches and mood swings. My Dear Husband is not looking forward to the mood swings. I have been in rare form for the last 2 weeks and he has been so patient! Let's hope he keeps being patient!

This coming Friday by husband will inject me with Bravelle. This shot is in my stomach! OUCH!!!!! This should cause my ovaries to produce more eggs and increase our chances of having a baby. Saturday I will go back to the doctor and again they will do blood work and another exciting trans-vaginal ultrasound. At this point, they will see how many follicles I have and check the size/maturity. If the follicles are not where they need to be I will have to get another shot of Bravelle. Should the follicles be where they need to be I then get a "trigger" shot of Ovidrel, again in my tummy! Finally, within 24 to 36 hours we will be ready for the Intrauterine Insemination.

AND THE WAIT CONTINUES...

Sex, Sex, and more Sex...

The candles are lit, the soft music is playing, my husband is slowing taking off my clothes, we passionately kiss and make sweet love all night long... I wish!!!

Well, when infertility and sex meet this is not how it goes. I must admit, I did ask my husband's permission (yes, I said permission)to write a post about our current sex life and he agreed. This is actually how it goes...

He's in bed in his boxers, I get out of the shower, the Daily Show is on TV, I get in bed and ask do you want to have sex. He replies, "we have to" to which I reply, "I am just so tired can we just do it in the morning", he replies "No. I don't want to do it either but we have to, so cowboy up". I laugh, my Barney Rubble laugh (that's what my husband calls one of my laughs) and he laughs. We kiss and I cowboy up. (Figuratively, not literately! Ha!Ha!)

We are still trying to get knocked up on our own, so 10 days after my period starts we begin to have sex. My husband is convince that he should have sex twice a day but I think he has come to realize that it is not as easy as it sounds. It does become somewhat of a chore but we are still having fun and enjoying ourselves.

Now the wait...

ARGH! The STRESS of waiting!

I came across a blog called "2 Week Wait" and boy is it true. The waiting is the most frustrating part of this process. (Waiting for your period, waiting to ovulate, waiting for tests, waiting for results, waiting to see if you are pregnant...) I try my best to get the thoughts out of my mind but seriously how many episodes of "Real Housewives of (insert your favorite city)" can I watch so I can numb my mind? So while I wait, I will expand on the “What the F@#$?” Topic.

If you recall #1 on the list is "Just try to relax." A favorite but not as great as #2.

What the F@#$? continues...

2) "It is God's Plan”, “This is what God wants”, or some other comparable idiotic phrase. First of all, if you believe in God or any other divine entity that brings you joy and peace to your heart, that is amazing. I am not going to debate religion or faith since I have struggled with my own faith since the day my brother died. (That is another blog.)Just so you know, when you say things like that, it sounds judgmental and immensely insensitive.

I know (or hope) you don't mean to be insensitive but when I hear you say, "It is God's Plan" I think to myself, wow this is a not so nice God. Here I am, a responsible, mature (somewhat), caring, emotionally stable (questionable lately!), in a committed relationship, financially stable, loving family, don't do drugs (actually, never done drugs), not an alcoholic, etc. and God does not want me to have a child? Why am I not worthy to have a child but the meth/crack head can have a child and end up putting the 4 week old in the microwave? Or the parents who put their child in a dog crate and starve the child of food, love and attention? Or the parent who abandons their child in a trashcan in the dead of winter? I can go on and on but I think you get the point. (Plus, is God really interested in my ovaries, fallopian tubes and uterus? God should really focus on more important things such as children dying of starvation and de-hydration, wars, genocide…)

A word of advice, when a woman is sharing that she is infertile do not say this is what God wants. Just listen…

3) “You can have my kid(s)”. I get this one from friends whose children are, at the precise moment when we are having a conversation, crying, begging for attention, annoying the parent, etc. I know you are trying to be funny (I am the Queen of Sarcasm and sometimes at the most inappropriate of times) but seriously? What I hear you say is; having your own children is not that big of a deal, don’t feel bad you are not missing much. Imagine for a second that your “wish” comes true and you had this great child, albeit at times annoying, and all the sudden the child is gone. You would not want that, you would be devastated. Well it is the same for me; it will be devastating if I cannot have children. Would it be the end of me? Of course not, but a big part would be missing.

I hope we are successful, so I (we)can hear our baby cry, beg for our attention and annoy us!

I want an iPAD!

So this is the deal, if I get pregnant before going through the artificial insemination, my handsome husband will gift me an iPAD! (Come on little sperm and egg(s), let's get it done this time.)

Anyways, yesterday was a big day for us. I went to get the hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done and I AM SO HAPPY to report that the doctor was successful in unblocking the tube!!! The staff at Dr. B's office was outstanding. A big thanks to Dr. B, Max (Tech), and Steph (Nurse) for taking such good care of me.

At times the procedure was a bit painful but the nurse was able to give me more drugs to help. After the procedure I went to the recovery room for about 1 1/2 hour. My blood pressure was low, because of the medication, and thankfully it came back up. As soon as I got home I went to sleep. It's been hard today since I still feel lightheaded and tired.

Now our chances of becoming pregnant have increased from 6% to 10%-13%. We will continue trying to conceive on our own (I want that iPAD bad!) but if we don't, at least we are finally able to take action.

I'm Back!

Wow! It's been a while since I've written something. A few people have asked me if I have written in the blog lately and I say I've been busy. Which is partly true; my stepdaughter was with us for three weeks, we went to Puerto Rico for 1 week... But really, the reason is that I don't want to think about it. I am trying to relax! Just kidding, I am just trying to ignore the issue (I've been known to do that) but it's not working.

I want to make it very clear that at this time I don't think about my infertility every second of the day. When something reminds me of the infertility, that is when I think about it and it doesn't make me feel happy... I feel this deep sadness that is indescribable. The closest I can come to describing it is this very empty feeling in your chest. I do my best to ignore it but this weekend it was difficult.
Why?

Well, my lovely, cute, and smart great-niece (I know, I am too young to have a great niece) turned 2 years old and there was a party for her at one of these "kid's gym" place which smelled awful! (Tangent: I asked her to give me a bite of her cake and she did. When her cousin, a boy, asked her to a bite, she pointed at the cake table and said, "No, you get it". It was hilarious. She does not like boys) Of course, there were tons of babies and young kids. If you knew me, you know that I adore kids! (Except bratty, spoiled kids, not too fond of them.) Well, I felt so sad after the party seeing all those kids and knowing the challenge we have ahead of us. It didn't help that I am also waiting for my period and my PMS is off the charts.

Part of me feels that I should "cowboy up" but another part of me feels like "fuck it, I want to feel bad." Does that even make sense? I feel like I want to cry (but I don't), I feel like my husband blames me (but I know he does not-seriously I am 100% sure of it), I feel ashamed (not because of being infertile, but because I feel people around me look at me with pity and I hate that feeling), I feel needy (which I hate), I feel jealousy (how terrible is this?)but mostly I feel stuck, because I can't do anything to fix it. The weird, but great, thing is that I still feel hopeful! I am not bullshitting you, I feel that it will happen for us, I am just scared and frustrated, of the process and the potential obstacles.

What's next for us? Well, I was scheduled to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG)on June 21st but my period was late 8 days so we had to postpone the procedure. It is an X-Ray to determine if your tubes are blocked and it's done after the 5th day of your period. By the way, I already had this done and it hurt like HELL! Prior to starting the test, the technician, who was such a sweetheart, told me that if I have cramps during my period I would not feel any major pain. BULLSHIT!

Let me paint you a picture. I was wearing a surgical gown, a blue surgical hat and booties. I was placed on a gurney, which was lifted higher that your run of the mill OBGYN's office gurney, so the technician was eye to eye with my vagina. This was so much fun and comfortable. Then she inserted the speculum, and cleans my cervix with iodine. Then a catheter is inserted into the uterus. This is so she could inject the dye into my uterus. When that dye entered, it felt like someone was ripping my insides. I asked them 3 times to stop because I could not take the pain. The last time I told her I would cowboy up "so keep going and don't stop." Well, the dye went in one tube but not the left tube, which I was able to see on the monitor. Anyways, she then removes the catheter and places something like gauze in or near my cervix to "blot" the dye. Then she removes the speculum and I swear it felt like a whole bunch of dye was gushing out of me. It actually was not a lot of dye but it felt like Niagara Falls! I was shocked and embarrassed and she assured me "it happens all the time". I got dressed and met my husband in the waiting room where he promptly asked me how it went. I responded that I wanted to leave and that I would tell him in the car. When I got home, I took some pain medicine and went to sleep. (Tangent: You know, it pisses me off that I after all the invasive testing, transvaginal sonograms, pelvic exams and many blood vials I have had to endure my lovely husband just had to get one vial of blood drawn and had to masturbate.) Now I get the pleasure of doing this again, just to make sure it is really blocked and not just a spasm, but this time I will do it under anesthesia. (There is a GOD, BUDDHA, ALLAH, SHIVA, and JESUS, whoever it might be!)

If you have been or are going through the fertility process, how did you feel during these early stages?

PS. Thank you to my awesome sister for making me do this.

DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX

Yesterday, on my way back from Charlotte, NC, the woman sitting next to me complimented my wedding ring and asked me how long I've been married. I told her I was still a newlywed and she asked me "ANY KIDS?". I responded that we were trying but recently found it that we had some fertility issues and that we were going to start fertility treatments. I was surprised at how easy it was to say and her reaction was great. She didn't offer advice, words of encouragement, she just listened. (Of course, I didn't go into the dirty details, I will save that for a later blog!) She was so cute and gave me a hug when we landed. Thanks Mrs.L!

Through this time, I quickly realized that people want to empathize and try to make you feel better by giving advice but don't really think about the things they are saying. Again, I am sure, or so I hope, that people mean well and don't know that some of the things they say are hurtful and actually make you feel shitty! So, I've compiled a list (is this list thing a theme?)of things that make me ask:

What the F@#$?!

1) "Just try to relax."

I love this one and it happens to be the most popular piece of advice. Before you say this to someone, read the following so you can get a sense of why it might be a challenge "to relax".

• See, when you can't get pregnant your OBGYN starts with a regular pelvic exam, pap test, the usual.  I was then sent for blood tests to eliminate any hormonal imbalance, thyroid issues, etc. Not a big deal, right? I can relax. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, since I had terrible pain the doctor said it could be a cyst but if the pain became unbearable to go to the emergency room because it could be an ectopic pregnancy. No big deal, I can "relax" after that comment. (By the way, it was a cyst.) In my case, I was then sent for an ultrasound. I didn't think it was a big deal until I found out it was a transvaginal ultrasound. I really became easy to "relax" when the technician asked me to insert the transducer into my vagina because it would be more comfortable for me. Really? More comfortable? I could barely reach!

• Once the OBGYN eliminates any "major" issue(s) you start on the "Am I Ovulating? Relaxing" phase. I got to chart my basal temperature every morning before I got out of bed, I was not allowed to move, go pee, etc.(This didn't work very well.) I got to measure my cervical mucus. Yup, you read it correctly. Is it stretchy? sticky? I could go on but you get the idea of how easy it is to "relax" when you have to do that. Then you have the ovulating sticks. This was so "relaxing". You have to pee on this tiny stick and wait to see if there is a line. The great thing (insert sarcasm) about this is that you have to test your first pee of the morning. So if you have to go pee, say around 4am, you got to hold it until you are ready to pee on the ovulation stick. And let me tell you, peeing on a tiny stick at 4am is not fun or accurate. You know what I'm saying? This experience was "relaxing" but not as "relaxing" as scheduling our love making around the right basal temperature, the correct consistency of my cervical mucus or the ovulation stick. It got to the point that I would ask my husband, or tell but really it's just semantics, "let's get it on". One morning he asked me if I could not be so "direct" with my request. I get it, this is now working.  Oh but wait, to make sure I am still "RELAXING" I get the not so subtle reminder of my period, whether early or late.  It feels like you are being punched in the stomach.  I guess this is one more reason to "relax". No worries, there is much more on how easy it is to "relax".
  
  But for now, don't tell me to relax. Suck it!
  

MY FIRST TIME...(BLOGGING)

It will happen..., that is what the love of my life tells me about getting me knocked up! I am 37 years old, with "a few good eggs" left and a "potentially" blocked tube. (Left tube, if you must know.) Our doctor, Dr. O, gave us about a 6% chance of getting pregnant. (Really? 6%? not 4%? or 8%? How do they come up with the figures?)

Anyway, I have been processing the news and for the first time in my life, I don't have any answers or an action plan with a clear outcome. I prefer not to cry, whine, or feel sorry for myself. Instead, I use my witty sense of humor (or so I think) to get through difficult times. I can understand and respect people who like to share their feelings; it’s just not my personality. Please don’t be offended by some of the things I will write. It is not my intention to hurt anyone but my goal is to create a funny blog about infertility to help me get through this challenging time in our life.

Which brings me to my next point, what is up with some blogs that use a whole bunch of acronyms to describe infertility? I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I had to Google what “TTC” and “DH” meant! (By the way,” TTC” = Trying to Conceive and “DH” = Dear Husband.) So this is my promise as I take on the challenge of writing a blog (a first):

1) I promise to be honest, not take things too seriously and make you laugh.

2) I promise to use adult terminology such “I got my period” not “I got a visit from Aunt Flo”. (I have two lovely aunts and neither one is named Flo.) I will use the word "vajayjay" because it’s funny. It sounds like a celebration.

3) I promise that I will not to use infertility acronyms. (Unless I’m quoting.)

4) I promise that I will offend some of you but know that it is not my intention.

5) I promise to have spelling and grammatical errors. I am not a writer and English is my second language.

6) I promise that I will whine. Yes, I said it! I will own my feelings and whine. I think I might even tell you when I cry.

7) I promise that I will use language not suited for children or even my mother.

8) I promise to continue laughing with my husband and love him more each day. (Even on the days I don’t want to.)

9) I promise to go off on tangents and use a lot of parenthesis.

10) I promise that when I don’t feel so optimistic I will say to myself “IT WILL HAPPEN!”