To tell or not to tell? As a rule of thumb, or so I've heard, women wait 8 to 12 weeks to tell others that they are pregnant. From what I understand it is out of concern for the viability of the pregnancy. That got me thinking, what would we do?
First of all, I cannot keep a secret so it would be very difficult not to tell others if we are pregnant. (S.F., that was a fluke) Secondly, should something happen (we pray, put out positive vibes that it does not) we want our family and friends to support us during the difficult time. But most importantly, we want to share with our family, friends, gas station attendant, grocery store cashier (you get the idea) that after 13 months of trying to get pregnant we made it. Unfortunately, the latter is not our case... this month.
After all the doctor's appointments, hormones, probing, shots, blood work, waiting, anxiety, not drinking and the great outcome of all the testing, I went in for what is called the Beta blood test to determine if we were pregnant. My appointment was at 8:45am and the nurse told me that they would call me between 3:00pm and 5:00pm. Derek and I planned to be together for the call at 3:00pm. My cell phone rang at 1:25pm and I recognized the number immediately. My plan was to tell the nurse to call me back when we were both together. But as soon as I answered the phone I could tell from her tone of voice as she said, "Hi, this is Kim", that is was not good news. I froze and she said the test was negative. I responded with an "oh, o.k." and then said, "really, nothing?"and she I said "no, I am sorry". She mentioned that I responded well to the protocol (apparently not that well since I am not pregnant, but I don't want to be the Mistress of the Obvious) and that we should get started on the second round once I get my period.
I immediately called Derek and told him. He did not believe me at first. Seriously, I am a joker but this is not something I would joke about. Derek was so disappointed and sad, it broke my heart. I hate to see him hurt or sad, and of course there is a certain amount of guilt that I have.
As for me, I really thought I would be devastated. I was sad but not shocked. I just did not feel that it would work. I stayed at work, which was great! I got home hugged my husband and told him I was so sorry. Derek was so certain that it would work. I have not cried (no surprise there) but I do feel angry that everything was on track and it did not work. The medication's side effects are horrible. Just the though of going through it again is discouraging. The physical is bad but the way I emotionally react is worse. I just have no patience and any little thing sets me off. One thing I can count on is that nothing gets to me (except slow drivers on the left lane, seriously what is up with that?) but lately this is not the case. I can't concentrate at work and make silly mistakes. My boss has noticed, he has been supportive, but it is still embarrassing. So do I want to go through it again?
Part of me wants to say we tried it, it didn't work, let's move on with our lives. Part of me wants to cry and say "why me?, am I such a horrible person?". Part of me says , "shit we have to pay again" (it is not cheap) But I am not a quitter! I really can't give into the "poor me attitude" or negative thoughts or sadness. I do recognize that I am sad but I can't let that take over me.
So we are getting back on the proverbial horse!
First of all, I cannot keep a secret so it would be very difficult not to tell others if we are pregnant. (S.F., that was a fluke) Secondly, should something happen (we pray, put out positive vibes that it does not) we want our family and friends to support us during the difficult time. But most importantly, we want to share with our family, friends, gas station attendant, grocery store cashier (you get the idea) that after 13 months of trying to get pregnant we made it. Unfortunately, the latter is not our case... this month.
After all the doctor's appointments, hormones, probing, shots, blood work, waiting, anxiety, not drinking and the great outcome of all the testing, I went in for what is called the Beta blood test to determine if we were pregnant. My appointment was at 8:45am and the nurse told me that they would call me between 3:00pm and 5:00pm. Derek and I planned to be together for the call at 3:00pm. My cell phone rang at 1:25pm and I recognized the number immediately. My plan was to tell the nurse to call me back when we were both together. But as soon as I answered the phone I could tell from her tone of voice as she said, "Hi, this is Kim", that is was not good news. I froze and she said the test was negative. I responded with an "oh, o.k." and then said, "really, nothing?"and she I said "no, I am sorry". She mentioned that I responded well to the protocol (apparently not that well since I am not pregnant, but I don't want to be the Mistress of the Obvious) and that we should get started on the second round once I get my period.
I immediately called Derek and told him. He did not believe me at first. Seriously, I am a joker but this is not something I would joke about. Derek was so disappointed and sad, it broke my heart. I hate to see him hurt or sad, and of course there is a certain amount of guilt that I have.
As for me, I really thought I would be devastated. I was sad but not shocked. I just did not feel that it would work. I stayed at work, which was great! I got home hugged my husband and told him I was so sorry. Derek was so certain that it would work. I have not cried (no surprise there) but I do feel angry that everything was on track and it did not work. The medication's side effects are horrible. Just the though of going through it again is discouraging. The physical is bad but the way I emotionally react is worse. I just have no patience and any little thing sets me off. One thing I can count on is that nothing gets to me (except slow drivers on the left lane, seriously what is up with that?) but lately this is not the case. I can't concentrate at work and make silly mistakes. My boss has noticed, he has been supportive, but it is still embarrassing. So do I want to go through it again?
Part of me wants to say we tried it, it didn't work, let's move on with our lives. Part of me wants to cry and say "why me?, am I such a horrible person?". Part of me says , "shit we have to pay again" (it is not cheap) But I am not a quitter! I really can't give into the "poor me attitude" or negative thoughts or sadness. I do recognize that I am sad but I can't let that take over me.
So we are getting back on the proverbial horse!
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