The Shot Heard Around "The Burnei"

Last night, my husband shot me!  At around 8:00pm, he calls me and tells me he is ready to give me the Bravelle shot.  I run upstairs and see that he is playing the instructional video on how to inject me.  I get a bit nervous but I say to myself "I have to do this."  He is sitting in a chair, I am standing in front of him and he wipes an area on my stomach with an alcohol wipe.  I saw my lovely husband holding the needle like a "dart" and I totally FREAKED OUT!  I told him I could not go through with it.  The thought of him giving me a shot was too overwhelming.  I kept slapping his hand away, backing up, making excuses and after about 10 minutes of him trying to convince me, he said the magic words; "Cowboy Up".  So I stood with my back to the door (so I could not back-up) and let him do it.  I let out a loud, long scream and then the medicine started burning and I continued to scream.

Let's be clear, I have had tons of injections but the thought of my husband doing this was unimaginable!  I asked my sister and best friend if they would let their husband's give them an injection and they both said NO. In fact, my best friend said that even if her husband were a doctor she would not let him give her an injection.  This was too traumatic for me and now I get the pleasure of doing it again!

Today, we went to see the progress of my follicles and estrogen level.  While waiting for the technician to do the transvaginal ultrasound, my husband pointed at the "wand" and the cover over it, which looks like a condom.  So he said, it's not a condom to which I replied "yes it is".  He is looking at it and remarks that it does not have a tip, and I say that not all of the have tips.  He goes on to explain why condoms have tips and I say that some people don't need the tip since they use condoms for fun. He looked dumbfounded at my answer and said "why would anyone use condoms for fun?!"  The tone of his voice and the look on his face was so funny!  It was like how could I think that men have fun wearing condoms.  We started laughing so hard that we had tears and my belly hurt so bad from laughing.  Anyways, on to the results...

We got great news!  I have two follicles, one is 17mm and the other is 24mm.  From what I understand the desired size is between 18 to 25. (they will grow 1 to 2 mm per day)  Also, my estrogen level is 867 which the nurse said was good.  So with the results, we are cleared to do the intrauterine insemination on MONDAY!  My husband just gave me my "trigger" shot (Ovidrel) so the egg releases from the follicle and by Monday the egg and sperm can meet in the fallopian tube.  By the way, I only hesitated a few times before the shot.  My husband did so amazing!

We will continue to wait... 

Cramps, Nightmares, Anxiety and Other Random Thoughts...

• I am done taking Clomid and now I am feeling the side effects.  The cramps are pretty bad, they are constant and once in a while I get a cramp that takes my breath away, and not in a good way!

• I did not know it was possible to have a headache for one week.  It's a dull, constant headache and I have not taken one single aspirin or ibuprofen.  See, I keep reading all these fertility blogs and the all have some kind of warning that say don't take aspirin/ibuprofen or it thins your cervical mucus, makes you bleed, thins the lining of the uterus, makes earthquakes/hurricane happen (not really, but you get my drift), etc... I am just afraid to put something in my body that may not react well with all the hormones in my body.  I hate GOOGLE (not really)!

• My lower back is on fire!  It is so sore and I don't want to put any heat on it because of all the blogs that say don't take hot baths, put a heating pad on your tummy, etc.

• Part of me is relieved that I have these side effects because in a "sick" way, it makes me believe the medication is working.  The other part of me wishes I was one of those women who didn't get any side effects. Just saying...

• My husband told me this morning that I was talking in my sleep, not unusual, and that I said "It didn't stick".  He asked me (while I was still asleep and have no recollection of the conversation) "What didn't stick" and I responded something along the lines of the baby. I had all these dreams last night and the theme was I was not pregnant.  I can't even relax in my dreams!!!!

• I am terrified about my shot tonight.  My husband took the "on-line injection training" and "feels comfortable".  Me? Not so much... I refuse to watch the video because I know that I will keep correcting him while he is giving me the shot.  He did say that he wants to play the video while he is giving me the shot, "to make sure he is following all the steps".  Seriously?

• I want to drink some delicious, red wine but I am being abundantly cautious, so I will not.

• Can I tell my husband not to drink until next week? I read that alcohol lowers your sperm count.  For the record, his sperm count is above average. (He still has the voice mail with the results of his semen analysis. So proud!)

• I have so much anxiety about tomorrow morning, Saturday.  They will let us know how many follicles, their size and then determine if we continue with the protocol.  

• I cried over Bruno Marz' song "Just the Way You Are". Whenever I think of that song, it reminds me of the way, my husband makes me feel.  When I say I cried, I really meant to say I sobbed. 

• I am happy my husband returned that horrible black shirt and tie that he planned to wear with his light tan suit.  I reminded me of what a Soprano's cast member would wear. 

• It will happen for us!

Here we go!

My much-detested period arrived just one day late so we are not pregnant. I guess I don't get an iPAD! (Tears are streaming down my face. Not really, but I really wanted that damn iPAD)

Last Friday, we started the treatment for Intrauterine Insemination. We got to the doctor's office, they took my blood, and then a fun filled trans-vaginal ultrasound (Can you sense the sarcasm? Just checking). The ultrasound technician counted 12 antral follicles! The last ultrasound showed 8 follicles on day three of my period so my egg reserve is a little bit better. My husband was in the room with me during the ultrasound and it was so funny because he (nor I) could see what the technician was counting!

I started Clomid (100mg) on Saturday at 8:00pm. I will be on this drug for 5 days. After the first two doses, the side effects have been mild to none existent. I have had a headache since Saturday and I feel tired. However, I understand that some of the side effects may include hot flashes, blurred vision, nausea, bloating, headaches and mood swings. My Dear Husband is not looking forward to the mood swings. I have been in rare form for the last 2 weeks and he has been so patient! Let's hope he keeps being patient!

This coming Friday by husband will inject me with Bravelle. This shot is in my stomach! OUCH!!!!! This should cause my ovaries to produce more eggs and increase our chances of having a baby. Saturday I will go back to the doctor and again they will do blood work and another exciting trans-vaginal ultrasound. At this point, they will see how many follicles I have and check the size/maturity. If the follicles are not where they need to be I will have to get another shot of Bravelle. Should the follicles be where they need to be I then get a "trigger" shot of Ovidrel, again in my tummy! Finally, within 24 to 36 hours we will be ready for the Intrauterine Insemination.

AND THE WAIT CONTINUES...

Sex, Sex, and more Sex...

The candles are lit, the soft music is playing, my husband is slowing taking off my clothes, we passionately kiss and make sweet love all night long... I wish!!!

Well, when infertility and sex meet this is not how it goes. I must admit, I did ask my husband's permission (yes, I said permission)to write a post about our current sex life and he agreed. This is actually how it goes...

He's in bed in his boxers, I get out of the shower, the Daily Show is on TV, I get in bed and ask do you want to have sex. He replies, "we have to" to which I reply, "I am just so tired can we just do it in the morning", he replies "No. I don't want to do it either but we have to, so cowboy up". I laugh, my Barney Rubble laugh (that's what my husband calls one of my laughs) and he laughs. We kiss and I cowboy up. (Figuratively, not literately! Ha!Ha!)

We are still trying to get knocked up on our own, so 10 days after my period starts we begin to have sex. My husband is convince that he should have sex twice a day but I think he has come to realize that it is not as easy as it sounds. It does become somewhat of a chore but we are still having fun and enjoying ourselves.

Now the wait...

ARGH! The STRESS of waiting!

I came across a blog called "2 Week Wait" and boy is it true. The waiting is the most frustrating part of this process. (Waiting for your period, waiting to ovulate, waiting for tests, waiting for results, waiting to see if you are pregnant...) I try my best to get the thoughts out of my mind but seriously how many episodes of "Real Housewives of (insert your favorite city)" can I watch so I can numb my mind? So while I wait, I will expand on the “What the F@#$?” Topic.

If you recall #1 on the list is "Just try to relax." A favorite but not as great as #2.

What the F@#$? continues...

2) "It is God's Plan”, “This is what God wants”, or some other comparable idiotic phrase. First of all, if you believe in God or any other divine entity that brings you joy and peace to your heart, that is amazing. I am not going to debate religion or faith since I have struggled with my own faith since the day my brother died. (That is another blog.)Just so you know, when you say things like that, it sounds judgmental and immensely insensitive.

I know (or hope) you don't mean to be insensitive but when I hear you say, "It is God's Plan" I think to myself, wow this is a not so nice God. Here I am, a responsible, mature (somewhat), caring, emotionally stable (questionable lately!), in a committed relationship, financially stable, loving family, don't do drugs (actually, never done drugs), not an alcoholic, etc. and God does not want me to have a child? Why am I not worthy to have a child but the meth/crack head can have a child and end up putting the 4 week old in the microwave? Or the parents who put their child in a dog crate and starve the child of food, love and attention? Or the parent who abandons their child in a trashcan in the dead of winter? I can go on and on but I think you get the point. (Plus, is God really interested in my ovaries, fallopian tubes and uterus? God should really focus on more important things such as children dying of starvation and de-hydration, wars, genocide…)

A word of advice, when a woman is sharing that she is infertile do not say this is what God wants. Just listen…

3) “You can have my kid(s)”. I get this one from friends whose children are, at the precise moment when we are having a conversation, crying, begging for attention, annoying the parent, etc. I know you are trying to be funny (I am the Queen of Sarcasm and sometimes at the most inappropriate of times) but seriously? What I hear you say is; having your own children is not that big of a deal, don’t feel bad you are not missing much. Imagine for a second that your “wish” comes true and you had this great child, albeit at times annoying, and all the sudden the child is gone. You would not want that, you would be devastated. Well it is the same for me; it will be devastating if I cannot have children. Would it be the end of me? Of course not, but a big part would be missing.

I hope we are successful, so I (we)can hear our baby cry, beg for our attention and annoy us!