DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX

Yesterday, on my way back from Charlotte, NC, the woman sitting next to me complimented my wedding ring and asked me how long I've been married. I told her I was still a newlywed and she asked me "ANY KIDS?". I responded that we were trying but recently found it that we had some fertility issues and that we were going to start fertility treatments. I was surprised at how easy it was to say and her reaction was great. She didn't offer advice, words of encouragement, she just listened. (Of course, I didn't go into the dirty details, I will save that for a later blog!) She was so cute and gave me a hug when we landed. Thanks Mrs.L!

Through this time, I quickly realized that people want to empathize and try to make you feel better by giving advice but don't really think about the things they are saying. Again, I am sure, or so I hope, that people mean well and don't know that some of the things they say are hurtful and actually make you feel shitty! So, I've compiled a list (is this list thing a theme?)of things that make me ask:

What the F@#$?!

1) "Just try to relax."

I love this one and it happens to be the most popular piece of advice. Before you say this to someone, read the following so you can get a sense of why it might be a challenge "to relax".

• See, when you can't get pregnant your OBGYN starts with a regular pelvic exam, pap test, the usual.  I was then sent for blood tests to eliminate any hormonal imbalance, thyroid issues, etc. Not a big deal, right? I can relax. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, since I had terrible pain the doctor said it could be a cyst but if the pain became unbearable to go to the emergency room because it could be an ectopic pregnancy. No big deal, I can "relax" after that comment. (By the way, it was a cyst.) In my case, I was then sent for an ultrasound. I didn't think it was a big deal until I found out it was a transvaginal ultrasound. I really became easy to "relax" when the technician asked me to insert the transducer into my vagina because it would be more comfortable for me. Really? More comfortable? I could barely reach!

• Once the OBGYN eliminates any "major" issue(s) you start on the "Am I Ovulating? Relaxing" phase. I got to chart my basal temperature every morning before I got out of bed, I was not allowed to move, go pee, etc.(This didn't work very well.) I got to measure my cervical mucus. Yup, you read it correctly. Is it stretchy? sticky? I could go on but you get the idea of how easy it is to "relax" when you have to do that. Then you have the ovulating sticks. This was so "relaxing". You have to pee on this tiny stick and wait to see if there is a line. The great thing (insert sarcasm) about this is that you have to test your first pee of the morning. So if you have to go pee, say around 4am, you got to hold it until you are ready to pee on the ovulation stick. And let me tell you, peeing on a tiny stick at 4am is not fun or accurate. You know what I'm saying? This experience was "relaxing" but not as "relaxing" as scheduling our love making around the right basal temperature, the correct consistency of my cervical mucus or the ovulation stick. It got to the point that I would ask my husband, or tell but really it's just semantics, "let's get it on". One morning he asked me if I could not be so "direct" with my request. I get it, this is now working.  Oh but wait, to make sure I am still "RELAXING" I get the not so subtle reminder of my period, whether early or late.  It feels like you are being punched in the stomach.  I guess this is one more reason to "relax". No worries, there is much more on how easy it is to "relax".
  
  But for now, don't tell me to relax. Suck it!
  

MY FIRST TIME...(BLOGGING)

It will happen..., that is what the love of my life tells me about getting me knocked up! I am 37 years old, with "a few good eggs" left and a "potentially" blocked tube. (Left tube, if you must know.) Our doctor, Dr. O, gave us about a 6% chance of getting pregnant. (Really? 6%? not 4%? or 8%? How do they come up with the figures?)

Anyway, I have been processing the news and for the first time in my life, I don't have any answers or an action plan with a clear outcome. I prefer not to cry, whine, or feel sorry for myself. Instead, I use my witty sense of humor (or so I think) to get through difficult times. I can understand and respect people who like to share their feelings; it’s just not my personality. Please don’t be offended by some of the things I will write. It is not my intention to hurt anyone but my goal is to create a funny blog about infertility to help me get through this challenging time in our life.

Which brings me to my next point, what is up with some blogs that use a whole bunch of acronyms to describe infertility? I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I had to Google what “TTC” and “DH” meant! (By the way,” TTC” = Trying to Conceive and “DH” = Dear Husband.) So this is my promise as I take on the challenge of writing a blog (a first):

1) I promise to be honest, not take things too seriously and make you laugh.

2) I promise to use adult terminology such “I got my period” not “I got a visit from Aunt Flo”. (I have two lovely aunts and neither one is named Flo.) I will use the word "vajayjay" because it’s funny. It sounds like a celebration.

3) I promise that I will not to use infertility acronyms. (Unless I’m quoting.)

4) I promise that I will offend some of you but know that it is not my intention.

5) I promise to have spelling and grammatical errors. I am not a writer and English is my second language.

6) I promise that I will whine. Yes, I said it! I will own my feelings and whine. I think I might even tell you when I cry.

7) I promise that I will use language not suited for children or even my mother.

8) I promise to continue laughing with my husband and love him more each day. (Even on the days I don’t want to.)

9) I promise to go off on tangents and use a lot of parenthesis.

10) I promise that when I don’t feel so optimistic I will say to myself “IT WILL HAPPEN!”