To Tell or Not to Tell???

To tell or not to tell?  As a rule of thumb, or so I've heard, women wait 8 to 12 weeks to tell others that they are pregnant.  From what I understand it is out of concern for the viability of the pregnancy. That got me thinking, what would we do?

First of all, I cannot keep a secret so it would be very difficult not to tell others if we are pregnant. (S.F., that was a fluke)  Secondly, should something happen (we pray, put out positive vibes that it does not) we want our family and friends to support us during the difficult time. But most  importantly,  we want to share with our family, friends, gas station attendant, grocery store cashier (you get the idea) that after 13 months of trying to get pregnant we made it.  Unfortunately, the latter is not our case... this month.

After all the doctor's appointments, hormones, probing, shots, blood work, waiting, anxiety, not drinking and the great outcome of all the testing, I went in for what is called the Beta blood test to determine if we were pregnant.  My appointment was at 8:45am and the nurse told me that they would call me between 3:00pm and 5:00pm.  Derek and I planned to be together for the call at 3:00pm.  My cell phone rang at 1:25pm and I recognized the number immediately.  My plan was to tell the nurse to call me back when we were both together.  But as soon as I answered the phone I could tell from her tone of voice as she said, "Hi, this is Kim", that is was not good news.  I froze and she said the test was negative.  I responded with an "oh, o.k." and then said, "really, nothing?"and she I said "no, I am sorry". She mentioned that I responded well to the protocol (apparently not that well since I am not pregnant, but I don't want to be the Mistress of the Obvious) and that we should get started on the second round once I get my period.

I immediately called Derek and told him.  He did not believe me at first.  Seriously, I am a joker but this is not something I would joke about.  Derek was so disappointed and sad, it broke my heart.  I hate to see him hurt or sad, and of course there is a certain amount of guilt that I have.

As for me, I really thought I would be devastated.  I was sad but not shocked. I just did not feel that it would work.  I stayed at work, which was great!  I got home hugged my husband and told him I was so sorry.  Derek was so certain that it would work.  I have not cried (no surprise there) but I do feel angry that everything was on track and it did not work.  The medication's side effects are horrible. Just the though of going through it again is discouraging.  The physical is bad but the way I emotionally react is worse.  I just have no patience and any little thing sets me off.  One thing I can count on is that nothing gets to me (except slow drivers on the left lane, seriously what is up with that?) but lately this is not the case.  I can't concentrate at work and make silly mistakes.  My boss has noticed, he has been supportive, but it is still embarrassing.  So do I want to go through it again?

Part of me wants to say we tried it, it didn't work, let's move on with our lives.  Part of me wants to cry and say "why me?, am I such a horrible person?".  Part of me says , "shit we have to pay again" (it is not cheap) But I am not a quitter!  I really can't give into the "poor me attitude" or negative thoughts or sadness.  I do recognize that I am sad but I can't let that take over me.

So we are getting back on the proverbial horse!  

I am a lucky girl!

During this two-week wait, I have done a lot of thinking, what else do I have to do?!  I am so thankful to my family, friends and my new "September IUI Cycle Group" for being super supportive during this time. 

I am also the luckiest girl in the world to have my Dear Husband, Derek, right by my side.  Yes, he might forget what I told him 5 minutes ago about some plans   (he will remember how many yards Dan Marino threw for, in 1988, in the month of November! Go figure...) but if you need a person in your corner, he is the MAN!  He has been such a great active partner in this.  Go ahead, ask him any questions about ovaries, follicles, uterine lining, progesterone suppositories, etc. and he will know the answer! :)

Let's face it; I have not been the easiest person to live with these last two weeks.  With all the hormones running through my body at times I might have acted a bit crazed, ALLEGEDLY.  My dear Derek just takes it in stride and when I go a little over the edge, ALLEGEDLY, he just looks at me and says something along the lines of "seriously?"  This instantly makes me realize that I am "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" and I change my tune.  (Most of the time)

The best thing about him is his attitude of, no let me correct that, his true belief that everything will be fine and we will be successful.  When I doubt what we are doing or feel like the insemination is not going to "take" he just looks into my eyes and says "I know you will be pregnant", it will work.  I feel a calmness come over me (Daniel-san... You know, wax off/wax on...I couldn't help myself.) that makes me feel super confident and secure.  I know I can always trust him and that he will always take care of me.  His sense of humor has been so amazing.  I mean really, what husband you know takes a "thumps up" picture right after the insemination procedure while waiting for "his boys" to do their job.  (See the Profile Picture!) 

Derek, I love you and I am so lucky to have you in my life!  

I AM A LUCKY GIRL! 

NOW THE TWO WEEK WAIT!

After all the probing, testing, ultrasounds, pills, hormones, shots, we finally were able to take the biggest step... The insemination! Monday morning my dear husband did his thing ;)and we dropped off his super sperm to be washed. About two hours later we went back and got the go-ahead for the insemination. My over achieving husband, (he was so proud!) had 22 million little sperm with 90% motility. I was so terrified that the doctor would cancel the cycle if we had a low count and low motility but it was still on. I have to say, everyone at the clinic was so happy for us, tons of smiles and tons of good lucks. It felt so good.

The nurse takes us to the room and tells me to get undressed from the waist down. I am so used to this that I just comply. As I am laying down, my husband and I notice the picture on the wall. It is a picture of a canal in Venice, our first stop on our honeymoon. We see it has a sign. (These days, everything is a sign!) The doctor comes in and tells us that the sperms results are really good. My dear husband then asks the doctor "how do you count millions of sperm (the pre-wash count was 180 million)in a couple of hours? It was so funny. Anyway, the speculum goes in (so comfortable), he then inserts the catheter and the "boys". It was so fast I didn't notice he was done. I stayed on the exam table for 5 minutes and we left.

As I get in the car, my husband had a gift waiting for me in the passenger side. I kiss him, tell him I love him and open the gift. I was expecting a picture (based on the size of the box)but it was the iPad! By the way, he wrapped the iPad in baby gift wrapping paper. He is so cute!!!

I felt fine but still decided to stay in bed with a pillow under my hips. (I know, old wife's tale but I'm trying anything.). Then the cramps started and they were not fun. The next day I started the progesterone vaginal suppositories (these are so much fun and make me feel so "fresh" all day long -insert sarcasm) twice a day, and have continued to "take" them until September 12th. I will get a blood test on the 12th to determine if the hCG hormone is high enough to reflect pregnancy. So as all the ladies going through this say, " now the two week wait"!