NOT GONNA HAPPEN THIS TIME...

The final result is we had a chemical pregnancy.  Friday's blood test results were 5.5.

You try not to be hopeful but you can't help it.  And then the results are what you knew them to be all along.  Certainly, disappointing.  I don't know how I really feel.  I know that at times I am sad but most of the time I am resigned to "it is what it is".

The nurse told me to stop all medications and by Saturday, my period was creeping out.  I started cramping but not too bad, just uncomfortable.  Then Sunday morning, at around 3am, I started to get really bad cramps.  It became apparent that I no longer had an embryo in me.

Today, I went in for another blood test to make sure that my levels are at zero.  Once, we confirm the levels are at zero we start our fourth try with the two frozen embryos.  I am not sure of the protocol but I do know that there are less injections and less ultrasounds.  Yippee!!

Let's see how it will go.

I AM A LITTLE BIT PREGNANT...YES, I JUST FOUND OUT SOMEONE CAN BE A LITTLE BIT PREGNANT!!!

First, let me give you a brief update.  My egg retrieval went great! (Side note:  My husband tells me that while waking up from the anesthesia, keep in mind that I have to recollection of this, I was mumbling.  He got really close to me and apparently I said, "Favre, Favre, I didn't put him the my line up".  If you know about fantasy football you will get it.  BTW, Favre has not played in a few years!)  The doctor was able to retrieve 11 eggs from by very full ovaries.  Seriously folks, I looked like I was 5 months pregnant!  It was horrible!!!  Now, I know that I will look like that at 5 months of pregnancy but to look like that and not have a baby inside of me, it's pure hell.  Out of the 11 eggs, 10 were fully mature.  Out of the 10 eggs, 7 were fertilized!. At this point, we had 7 children, embryos really.   5 of the 7 embryos made it to the blastocyst stage.  Basically, this means that 5 embryos had two cell components and the likelihood of the embryos being chromosomally normal were high.

The embryo transfer was on Thanksgiving Day!  We were scheduled at 12:45pm.  At the clinic, we were told that we still had 5 embryos.  After a long discussion we decided to only transfer one embryo.  We have been through so much that we did not want to push our luck if we transferred two embryos.  Out of the 5 embryos, 2 made it to the freezing stage.  So, technically, we have two children in a freezer somewhere.

Then, the dreaded two week wait began...

My new hell is the BETA TESTING!!!  I did not think this experience could get any worse!  On Wednesday, December 7, I went in for my blood test to measure my HCG Hormone, also known as the Beta test.  I did not want them to call me so I gave them my husband's phone number.  My husband called be a little bit after 4 pm to tell me that the results came back POSITIVE!  For some reason, I was not excited in the least.  I then asked him for the beta numbers and he said "28".  This is a low beta number as they preferred to see beta numbers at around 100 at this stage.  FUCK!  Here we go again!  Now, I am just pissed off and all I can think about is starting the process all over again.

Basically, the nurse told my husband that the scenarios are:

• The embryo took longer to attach so that is why the numbers are low.  And the embryo could have been placed in a location which took longer to find the wall.

• Really?  Are you serious?  The embryo was already 5 days old and ready to attach to the uterine wall!  What the fuck?  Maybe they should have implanted a 3 month old baby!  And really?, it got lost in my uterus and could find it's way to the damn wall?  I didn't realize my uterus was as big as the Grand Canyon! Oh yeah! I guess it must be a boy since it can't follow or ask for fucking directions!

• The numbers can be low because I had a chemical pregnancy.  Basically, an early miscarriage.
• I get it.  It could be chromosomal problems.  This one is easier to accept since there is nothing anyone can do about this.  This could be caused by low hormone levels or thin uterine lining.  Well, I disagree with the hormone level reasoning.  You can ask my husband.  The other day I was crying because I told my husband and I loved him or when I cried because I know what cabinet to put the baby bottles in.  Not to mention all the oral hormones I take.  The thin uterine lining? I am calling bullshit on this one.  I take three vaginal progesterone suppositories per day!  If you really want to know all about it, email me!  It is an amazing experience.  And by amazing, I mean it sucks ass!

• Or the embryo has fetal chromosomal abnormalities which will cause a miscarriage.
• Again, I get this one.  But the operative words here are "will cause" a miscarriage.  Basically, I have to let the pregnancy progress until I start bleeding and cramping or a D&C.  The D&C is a medical procedure to remove the contents of the uterus (embryo).  This one is a 50/50 chance.

Now, I get to go to do another blood test tomorrow to see if the beta numbers doubled or increased.  Then, I wait.  If a huge increase happens, then good.  More blood tests to follow to ensure if continues to increase.  If not, I continue to do blood tests until it is determine that the pregnancy is not viable.  At that point we wait to see if the miscarriage will happen naturally or if a procedure is necessary.

The silver lining, I have the capacity to get pregnant.  Somehow, this does not make it any better...

Follicles and Estrogen UPDATE!!!!

Saturday, November 12th, 2011

• So, I go to the appointment for blood work and ultrasound.  During the ultrasound, I immediately see some follicles on the right ovary.  I was so excited as I have never seen so many of them.  I had 8 follicles in the right ovary.  Then to the left side, I only had 2 follicles!  My estrogen level was 542.  My uterine lining is at 7mm.  The tech said everything looked good.  So I go home and start "googling" follicle results.  Then it dawns on me that I only have 10 eggs and there is a possibility that they might not be good eggs.  My dear husband comes home and I tell him I am disappointed at the results.  Then I start crying.  He just stares at me with this look... I continue to cry and then ask him "why are you looking at me that way?", "you think I am crazy don't you?".  He just stares and says, "I have never seen you this way before".  His face was full of shock, confusion...  So then, I just started laughing.  Ladies and Gentlemen... welcome to the world of crazy hormones.

Monday, November 14th, 2011

• Another appointment for blood work and ultrasound.  I still had 10 follicles.  All between 15mm and 11mm.  However, my estrogen level went up to 1,543!  (The nurse mentions that I should feel a little uncomfortable due to the estrogen.  Really?  I didn't notice the huge belly on me.)  Apparently, this is higher than what the doctor wants so I am now able to eliminate one shot from the repertoire of shots.  Only 225 of Menopur in the evening.  This bitch, I mean shot, hurts like a mother f@#$%^&!  The following morning I was instructed to take Ganirelix and still 150 of Gonal-F.  

Tuesday, November 15th, 2011

• I feel like a cow!  The size of my belly is now the size of what I  think I would look like three months pregnant!  I feel like I drank tons of water and now it is swooshing around in my stomach.  You know that feeling?  It is not pleasant.  I could not sleep on my stomach or my side.  My lower back hurts and the cramps started again.  I took a shot of Gonal F and another shot of Ganirelix.

• Yet, another appointment for blood work and ultrasound.  My follicles are growing and getting plumper.  I have 5 on my right ovary; 16.7mm, 16.3mm, 16.0mm,15.9mm, and 14.6mm.  My left side is lazy;  I have a 17.2mm, 14.5mm, 14.2mm and a 13.1mm.  My estrogen level is at 1,862.  Much better.  My uterine lining is 11.57mm.  This is really good.  During the last two failed attempts at IUI, my lining was at around 7.5mm.  I am still convinced that the lining was too thin to sustain pregnancy so the little guys did not stick.  I am progressing a little bit quicker than anticipated.  Tonight, I just take 225 of Menopur.

Wednesday, November 16th, 2011

• Still feel like a cow.  My belly hurts when I move and it's become uncomfortable to walk. My boobs hurt.  This morning I took a shot of 150 Gonal F and Ganirelix.  

• After another fun filled morning of blood work and ultrasound, my ovaries are kicking major arse!  Right ovary: 21.5mm, 19.0mm, 17.6mm, 17.4mm, 16.4mm.  Left ovary:  18.4mm, 14.4mm, 13.2mm, 12.8mm, and 12.5mm.  My estrogen level was 2,987.  Which I understand is good, or at least that is what the nurse told me.   The uterine lining is at an amazing 13.4mm.  The nurse thinks I might trigger tonight.   Trigger basically means that the medication will help me release the egg from the ovaries so it is easier during the surgery for the egg retrieval and the risk of Ovarian Hyper-stimulation is minimized.

• I got the call that I will not trigger tonight.  Tonight, I take 75 of Gonal F and 225 of Menopur.  The Gonal F is to help the lazy side.

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

• Holy Big Belly!!!!  If I hold the bottom of my belly, it feels better when I walk.  But really, who wants to see that???  My boobs are sore.  I feel like crap, if I bend down something tugs and pulls in my ovaries.  Not fun at all...

• Once again, blood work and ultrasound.  This sucks!  Nevertheless, my super ovaries are not letting me down.  Finally, something is working!  Right ovary:  22.1mm, 21.0mm, 20.9mm, 20.4mm, 18.7mm and 16.9mm.  (I think some might be hiding).  Left ovary:  20.0mm, 18.0mm, 17.7mm, 17.5mm.  Estrogen level is 3,547 and my uterine lining is at 12.23mm.  Tonight, I don't do any shots except the Lupron Trigger.  

• Then tomorrow, I go in for more blood work and ultrasound.  Just to make sure I did not ovulate and my levels are still acceptable.  SATURDAY, is one of the big days.  I will go in for the egg retrieval on Saturday.

I guess I'll blog about the outcome.  Please, keep your fingers crossed.

Blah, Blah, Blah...

Today I feel odd.  <insert joke>

My stomach feels like it's burning and it's sore.  Once in a while I get stabbing cramps and I am bloated to no end.  I feel like I am coming down with a cold but it comes and goes.  You know, the stuffy nose, sneezing, dull headache...  I feel soooooo tired and it takes a lot out of me to go to dinner, meet people, etc.  I just want to be in my PJs and in bed.  I am just plain exhausted!

Emotionally, it's difficult to explain.  I feel like just letting go and what ever happens happens.  But not in a good way.  Not in a, "I am letting go of control kind of way", it's more of an I just don't give a shit.  I consider myself and strong person and I am not a wimp.  With hard work and determination, I achieve what I set out to do.  But this is really testing me.  Can I do this?  I am worried about the process of getting pregnant.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment to check the progress of the follicles and check my estrogen levels.  I am concerned about having cysts, my ovaries being over-suppressed and then canceling the cycle.  Then I am worried that I will get Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).  Basically, it means that if the drugs stimulate the ovaries a little too much, it can cause the ovaries to become very swollen and the fluid can leak into the belly and chest area.  Again, I am scared of cancelling the cycle; not to mention that this could be very dangerous.  And last, but not least, I am terrified of actually getting a positive pregnancy test and then loosing the pregnancy.  After all the shots (at least 32 shots within 2 weeks), all the vaginal ultrasounds (about 8 within 2 weeks), all the blood work (about 10 times within 2 weeks), one surgery and then hopefully the embryo transfer; if it does not stick I will be crushed.  To those who say "DON'T THINK ABOUT IT" and "RELAX", can you now get a clue of why it might be difficult to follow that advice?

To be honest, I don't know if I have the balls, I mean ovaries, to do it again. (I couldn't help myself.)

Oh yeah!  Let's not forget about the crying today.  I have cried about 3 times today for no apparent reason.  These hormones are driving me nutty...

And we are off...

I am finally off birth control!  The great thing about being on birth control was that my period was very short and I did not have any cramps.  The bad thing about it was that I had heartburn for a couple of weeks.

Today was my first shot of Gonal-F (150iu) and it hurt like hell!  About 20 minutes later, I started to cramp and now I feel a whole lot of tugging and pulling on the right side of my pelvis.  Now I have this dull headache that will not go away. Oh, the fun that awaits me!  Tonight, I get to do it again, TWICE.  I will get another shot of Gonal-F (75iu) and Menopur (150iu).  I know Derek loves it. This will go on for three days and then I go in for another ultrasound and blood-work. 

When Derek was injecting me, all I could think about was that I have to do this 31 more times in the next 10 days.  (Or more, if the follicles are not growing at an acceptable rate.) For a moment ,I thought that I could not possibly go through with this.  Why would anyone want to go through this?  Unless you have been through it, there is no possible way you can ever understand.

I know that at the end what we want is a healthy baby.  But are you kidding me with all the shit I have to go through?!  I am a bit angry today.  Actually, I am pissed! I feel that I did everything I was supposed to do to be prepared to have children.  I am healthy (OK, except the working out part), in a loving relationship, great family and friends, financially responsible, have a career, own our own home, I don't do drugs (never have) and I didn't drink often (although, I do miss drinking!) so yes, I am feeling sorry for myself.  So what?

I am terrified that it will not work and we will have to do it all over again.  I don't think I can do it all over again...

It will happen for us, it will happen for us, it will happen for us...

IVF Treatment... "Oy Vey"

Here is the skinny...

I am currently on Birth Control, I know a little bit odd but apparently it  "suppresses follicle-stimulating hormone release by the pituitary gland, blocks ovulation and thus prevents formation of the corpus luteum...".  In other words, it is supposed to better plan the cycle - I think.  I will take the birth control for 19 days and so far, not so good. These pills give me heartburn!  I have felt awful since I started taking the pills but it's fine, I only have 15 more days to go. During the birth control period I will go in for a "mock transfer".

What is a "mock transfer", you ask?  Well, prior to Dr. O doing the actual embryo transfer, he wants to measure the depth of my uterus and determine the best way to insert the catheter during the real embryo transfer.  I never thought anyone needed to know the depth of my uterus or clean my cervix,etc... Anyways, once that is done and I get the "OK" that my uterus is beautiful we move on to the next step.  More blood work and more vaginal ultrasounds.  Once that is done, on or about November 9th, I will start the injections.

In the morning, I will get a shot, by my lovely-handsome husband (please be gentle), of Gonal-F (150 IU) ($744 for about three shots) and in the evening I will get another shot of Gonal-F (75 IU) and  Menopur (150 IU) ($150 per shot).  These two drugs will hopefully help me develop a lot of eggs.  This will go on for 3 full days and on the 4th day I will get Gonal-F (150 IU) in the morning. That same day I will go in for blood work and another vaginal ultrasound.  After I get the results that afternoon they will let me know the dose of medication that I will inject and I will continue to take three shots per day.   I then go in for blood work and more exciting vaginal ultrasounds every other day until my follicles measure 14mm or larger.  Once they are the appropriate size I will add Ganirelix injections (to delay ovulation) to the Gonal-F and Menopur.  Now I get to go in for blood work and vaginal ultrasounds every day!  How exciting!!! <insert sarcasm> At this point my lovely husband doesn't need to do anything but prick me with a needle 4 times a day!  Around the 18th of November we do one last shot, the trigger shot - Lupron, and the following day I go in for more blood work and a vaginal ultrasound.  If that goes well, a day after we do the egg retrieval.

I am quite nervous about the egg retrieval.  I will be under anesthesia and Dr. O will take out as many eggs as possible.  Oh! I forgot, while this is going on my lovely-handsome husband is in a special room doing you know what...  After the egg retrieval the eggs will be mixed with my husband's sperm and the rest is up to the little cells.  The eggs will be in the dish for 2 to 4 days.  Depending on how many cells have developed we will have the embryo transfer 3 to 5 days after the egg retrieval.

By the way, if it doesn't work the first time, I get to do it all over again!

THE IVF JOURNEY BEGINS...

It's been almost a month since my last post and a few things have happened since then.

We went for our second IUI and were not successful!  We were so disappointed because the protocol yielded 3 follicles (where the eggs hang out), the uterine lining was 8.24 and the boys (12 million of them-post wash) were great! I mean how hard is it?  I have the eggs, boys are good and plenty, uterine lining on the thin side but working, and they put the sperm at the opening of the Fallopian tubes...  Apparently, the eggs are not sticking.

Dr. O recommended that we do a third IUI,  but this time use only injectables so the lining would not be affected by the Clomid.  We were ready to go but I just didn't feel it was worth it.  Again, I thought that I was responding fairly well to the protocol and still didn't get pregnant.  Our odds of getting pregnant are still in the low teens (12%) with IUI so we have decided to embark on the exciting In-Vitro-Fertilization (IVF)Journey.

Let's talk about the financial impact on our family first.  Holy shit!!!  Our procedure (up to six tries) will cost us $20K!  No, it is not a typo, IT IS $20K not including the medication.  However, if we don't get pregnant in 6 tries we get the money back! The medication will be $5,666.90!  Keep in mind that our two previous IUI, some testing, and medication was all out of pocket. Now our "rainy day fund" is more like a "very light drizzle".

You know, a friend put it best when I told her the cost.  She said, well you would pay $20K for a car why would you not do that for a baby?  She is correct.  Derek and I want to grow our family and this is what we need to do.  I am quite scared what lies ahead and the toll that it might take on my body and mind...