So this is the deal, if I get pregnant before going through the artificial insemination, my handsome husband will gift me an iPAD! (Come on little sperm and egg(s), let's get it done this time.)
Anyways, yesterday was a big day for us. I went to get the hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done and I AM SO HAPPY to report that the doctor was successful in unblocking the tube!!! The staff at Dr. B's office was outstanding. A big thanks to Dr. B, Max (Tech), and Steph (Nurse) for taking such good care of me.
At times the procedure was a bit painful but the nurse was able to give me more drugs to help. After the procedure I went to the recovery room for about 1 1/2 hour. My blood pressure was low, because of the medication, and thankfully it came back up. As soon as I got home I went to sleep. It's been hard today since I still feel lightheaded and tired.
Now our chances of becoming pregnant have increased from 6% to 10%-13%. We will continue trying to conceive on our own (I want that iPAD bad!) but if we don't, at least we are finally able to take action.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I'm Back!
Wow! It's been a while since I've written something. A few people have asked me if I have written in the blog lately and I say I've been busy. Which is partly true; my stepdaughter was with us for three weeks, we went to Puerto Rico for 1 week... But really, the reason is that I don't want to think about it. I am trying to relax! Just kidding, I am just trying to ignore the issue (I've been known to do that) but it's not working.
I want to make it very clear that at this time I don't think about my infertility every second of the day. When something reminds me of the infertility, that is when I think about it and it doesn't make me feel happy... I feel this deep sadness that is indescribable. The closest I can come to describing it is this very empty feeling in your chest. I do my best to ignore it but this weekend it was difficult.
Why?
Well, my lovely, cute, and smart great-niece (I know, I am too young to have a great niece) turned 2 years old and there was a party for her at one of these "kid's gym" place which smelled awful! (Tangent: I asked her to give me a bite of her cake and she did. When her cousin, a boy, asked her to a bite, she pointed at the cake table and said, "No, you get it". It was hilarious. She does not like boys) Of course, there were tons of babies and young kids. If you knew me, you know that I adore kids! (Except bratty, spoiled kids, not too fond of them.) Well, I felt so sad after the party seeing all those kids and knowing the challenge we have ahead of us. It didn't help that I am also waiting for my period and my PMS is off the charts.
Part of me feels that I should "cowboy up" but another part of me feels like "fuck it, I want to feel bad." Does that even make sense? I feel like I want to cry (but I don't), I feel like my husband blames me (but I know he does not-seriously I am 100% sure of it), I feel ashamed (not because of being infertile, but because I feel people around me look at me with pity and I hate that feeling), I feel needy (which I hate), I feel jealousy (how terrible is this?)but mostly I feel stuck, because I can't do anything to fix it. The weird, but great, thing is that I still feel hopeful! I am not bullshitting you, I feel that it will happen for us, I am just scared and frustrated, of the process and the potential obstacles.
What's next for us? Well, I was scheduled to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG)on June 21st but my period was late 8 days so we had to postpone the procedure. It is an X-Ray to determine if your tubes are blocked and it's done after the 5th day of your period. By the way, I already had this done and it hurt like HELL! Prior to starting the test, the technician, who was such a sweetheart, told me that if I have cramps during my period I would not feel any major pain. BULLSHIT!
Let me paint you a picture. I was wearing a surgical gown, a blue surgical hat and booties. I was placed on a gurney, which was lifted higher that your run of the mill OBGYN's office gurney, so the technician was eye to eye with my vagina. This was so much fun and comfortable. Then she inserted the speculum, and cleans my cervix with iodine. Then a catheter is inserted into the uterus. This is so she could inject the dye into my uterus. When that dye entered, it felt like someone was ripping my insides. I asked them 3 times to stop because I could not take the pain. The last time I told her I would cowboy up "so keep going and don't stop." Well, the dye went in one tube but not the left tube, which I was able to see on the monitor. Anyways, she then removes the catheter and places something like gauze in or near my cervix to "blot" the dye. Then she removes the speculum and I swear it felt like a whole bunch of dye was gushing out of me. It actually was not a lot of dye but it felt like Niagara Falls! I was shocked and embarrassed and she assured me "it happens all the time". I got dressed and met my husband in the waiting room where he promptly asked me how it went. I responded that I wanted to leave and that I would tell him in the car. When I got home, I took some pain medicine and went to sleep. (Tangent: You know, it pisses me off that I after all the invasive testing, transvaginal sonograms, pelvic exams and many blood vials I have had to endure my lovely husband just had to get one vial of blood drawn and had to masturbate.) Now I get the pleasure of doing this again, just to make sure it is really blocked and not just a spasm, but this time I will do it under anesthesia. (There is a GOD, BUDDHA, ALLAH, SHIVA, and JESUS, whoever it might be!)
If you have been or are going through the fertility process, how did you feel during these early stages?
PS. Thank you to my awesome sister for making me do this.
I want to make it very clear that at this time I don't think about my infertility every second of the day. When something reminds me of the infertility, that is when I think about it and it doesn't make me feel happy... I feel this deep sadness that is indescribable. The closest I can come to describing it is this very empty feeling in your chest. I do my best to ignore it but this weekend it was difficult.
Why?
Well, my lovely, cute, and smart great-niece (I know, I am too young to have a great niece) turned 2 years old and there was a party for her at one of these "kid's gym" place which smelled awful! (Tangent: I asked her to give me a bite of her cake and she did. When her cousin, a boy, asked her to a bite, she pointed at the cake table and said, "No, you get it". It was hilarious. She does not like boys) Of course, there were tons of babies and young kids. If you knew me, you know that I adore kids! (Except bratty, spoiled kids, not too fond of them.) Well, I felt so sad after the party seeing all those kids and knowing the challenge we have ahead of us. It didn't help that I am also waiting for my period and my PMS is off the charts.
Part of me feels that I should "cowboy up" but another part of me feels like "fuck it, I want to feel bad." Does that even make sense? I feel like I want to cry (but I don't), I feel like my husband blames me (but I know he does not-seriously I am 100% sure of it), I feel ashamed (not because of being infertile, but because I feel people around me look at me with pity and I hate that feeling), I feel needy (which I hate), I feel jealousy (how terrible is this?)but mostly I feel stuck, because I can't do anything to fix it. The weird, but great, thing is that I still feel hopeful! I am not bullshitting you, I feel that it will happen for us, I am just scared and frustrated, of the process and the potential obstacles.
What's next for us? Well, I was scheduled to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG)on June 21st but my period was late 8 days so we had to postpone the procedure. It is an X-Ray to determine if your tubes are blocked and it's done after the 5th day of your period. By the way, I already had this done and it hurt like HELL! Prior to starting the test, the technician, who was such a sweetheart, told me that if I have cramps during my period I would not feel any major pain. BULLSHIT!
Let me paint you a picture. I was wearing a surgical gown, a blue surgical hat and booties. I was placed on a gurney, which was lifted higher that your run of the mill OBGYN's office gurney, so the technician was eye to eye with my vagina. This was so much fun and comfortable. Then she inserted the speculum, and cleans my cervix with iodine. Then a catheter is inserted into the uterus. This is so she could inject the dye into my uterus. When that dye entered, it felt like someone was ripping my insides. I asked them 3 times to stop because I could not take the pain. The last time I told her I would cowboy up "so keep going and don't stop." Well, the dye went in one tube but not the left tube, which I was able to see on the monitor. Anyways, she then removes the catheter and places something like gauze in or near my cervix to "blot" the dye. Then she removes the speculum and I swear it felt like a whole bunch of dye was gushing out of me. It actually was not a lot of dye but it felt like Niagara Falls! I was shocked and embarrassed and she assured me "it happens all the time". I got dressed and met my husband in the waiting room where he promptly asked me how it went. I responded that I wanted to leave and that I would tell him in the car. When I got home, I took some pain medicine and went to sleep. (Tangent: You know, it pisses me off that I after all the invasive testing, transvaginal sonograms, pelvic exams and many blood vials I have had to endure my lovely husband just had to get one vial of blood drawn and had to masturbate.) Now I get the pleasure of doing this again, just to make sure it is really blocked and not just a spasm, but this time I will do it under anesthesia. (There is a GOD, BUDDHA, ALLAH, SHIVA, and JESUS, whoever it might be!)
If you have been or are going through the fertility process, how did you feel during these early stages?
PS. Thank you to my awesome sister for making me do this.
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